I can't get no Satisfaction

First and foremost, if you have not heard the song that inspires the title of this article, do the following:
1. Stand in front of your mirror
2. Point and laugh at yourself
3. Make a sad smiley face
4. Kill yourself
5 & most important. Do not leave behind a note that blames me.
After-thought: No. 5 should have been No. 4 eh?

Now to actually begin the real topic. In my most recent epiphany (yes there have been more than a few over the decades), I realized that there are only 2 types of people- Those who are happy with everything they have and those who will never be happy with anything they have. This dilemma  goes in deeper to the very basic idea of happiness.

The former view happiness as a state of inner being, a journey that one goes through and not the destination one arrives at. Here's the loophole- As they say, 'No one can be told what the Matrix is'. This is not something that can be attained like my Weekly Nirvana. Here's the upside- If you are one of these people, you got something right to reach here. Figure out what it was and share the secret, just not in a book called The Secret. Here's the downside- If you ever meet one of these people, it will make you question your entire belief system. So it is best to avoid (lest you are into masochism, in which case I'd be happy to also recommend some self torture devices for you to go for after you have met them)

The latter view happiness as a fleeting moment, a sort of ball tossed in the air waiting to be caught without the understanding of how to catch it. Here's the loophole- 'Fleeting' is the operative word. The anticipation of catching the ball becomes addictive enough for you to wait around forever hoping for the ball to drop. Here's the upside- If you are one of these people, you will always be happy without ever being able to figure out what it was that made you happy a moment ago. Here's the downside- If you ever meet one of these people, it will make you question your entire belief system. So it is best to avoid (lest you are into masochism, in which case I'd be happy to also recommend some self torture devices for you to go for after you have met them)

As unfair as it sounds, I keep going back and forth between being the former and the latter (this feat has been made possible after years and years of meditation in my sleep). I keep going back and re-reading my poems and articles every now and then in an experiment to feel the same thing I felt at the time that I wrote it. As it turns out, it never really does happen that way. Time is a continuum and no matter how nostalgic you want to feel, you can never really feel a moment exactly as you felt it even just a moment before.  

If you would have heard the song that the title is based on, you would know what happens next. I try, and I try, and I try and I try.

Relatvity of the Absolute Truth

For those who know me, even a little, you would know that I rarely have reasons for doing things. My reasons extend to 'because I want to'. Not much has changed in that direction. However, something recently really got me thinking about that precise motive.

I was at home recently; out of that time when I was actually at home, I needed to distract my dog enough so he could stop barking for 5 mins straight as I was nearing my limit to start screaming at him. The only time anyone screams in my house is at my dog, we are a fairly non expressive lot with enough things to keep us busy and giving the occasional 'hmmm, wassup?' to each other every now and then. It was then that I switched on the television and on came 'Sach ka Samna'. I decided to watch it for a while mainly ‘cos I like the actor and ofcourse watching strangers make a fool of themselves is a little amusing. While I watched someone bare their soul and then lose a lot of money at a lie which they insisted was the truth, there popped a question in my head. How do you really know what is true?

Have you ever questioned yourself on what isn’t even real? Have you ever woken up with a feeling that what you were dreaming of was the truth? Have you ever questioned why you dreamt such a thing? It is scarier how some truths can feel real to you yet a polygraph test may disagree. Now why would this happen? Is the answer as simple as the fact that the subconscious truth overrides the conscious truth and if so then why is the former more important than the latter. And if that were true, the choice you made that became your reality isn’t even important or acknowledged by your subconscious. Thereby, you choice is rejected and nullified by your subconscious and the polygraph test. Have you ever wanted something and made the choice not to have it? The next step is usually to tell yourself and others that you didn’t want it, your sub conscious disagrees. And you will lose that money in the television show. Rare is the breed whose head and heart is in the same place, and difficult is their path. I should know.

My cause is the search of non compromise. If I think it, I want it. The problem is never the wanting, it is the thinking. Acts are easier to change; thoughts can ruin your world. What is your choice of poison - Yield to all temptations or not have any temptations?

Things you just live with...

Turbulence is best understood by someone who has experienced plenty of it. Meaning of words like urgent, priorities and happiness is seen in a different way and context altogether. Once you’ve been through anything life altering, you tend to see life in a new shade altogether, and not a frame that can be fitted for others to understand. To borrow from a movie quote I always cherish ‘How do you get out of a fire without any scars? Well, you don’t’

Why speak about turbulence when the title of this piece indicates consequences? The reason for that is simple and yet elusive. Consequences can sometimes be your own doing and sometimes be the doing of someone else, either way you may be in place to live with it. Ofcourse there a way out, there always is but calling it quits in life or anything within it is not as easy as it seems. Walking to the edge, as difficult as it may be is very different from jumping off it, that’s a different extreme altogether. There are some consequences that hurt you and change your being in a way which you may not have foreseen? What do you do then? Can you live with it? Why? How far can you go? How much farther? What will be your limit?

Over the years, the ones who’ve lived through the most consequences keep getting their limits stretched farther and farther. And yet, the hope of a different future is hauntingly beautiful. Hope itself is sometimes hauntingly beautiful. But the reality is a different thing. The truth is that the father your limits are, the farther on the edge your reality will remain because getting back from the edge is easier said than done and no matter how much you may try to get back to who you once were, the mirror never completely lets you forget where you’ve been. So what do you do then? Stuck between the hope of a life and the reality of another life altogether?

You let your instincts take you where they do. Let the dice roll and wait for the roulette to stop. Or atleast hope that it does.

Run Baby Run...

Memory has never been good to me, happens when you erase most of your memories one day, just put them in a box and call it Pandora.

Selective memory is a great thing most of the times, except when you really need to remember something, even keep focusing on it for hours, like that song you can't get around recognizing or the name of that person you swore you would always remember.

Memory comes and goes for me and a while ago I stopped trying to control it, just let it be like that small bit of furniture that just lies around without any purpose or utility and maybe even ever being touched during its whole existence. But when it is a great thing is when your friends remind you of that big fight or angry moment you had and you just can't place it and after a while you would get around to not wanting to place it, take life as seriously as it is meant to be taken...

But its random memories that really end up making the most impact, something that never occurred to you then that it might mean so much. Only on looking back do we realize some of the key moments that shaped us, and this is where the trouble is, my memory continues to play hide and seek every now and then. But once in a while, it so happens that you are going through a moment and you know you will always remember it. It is kind of like taking pictures of things you want to remember, and as for the things you can never forget, taking a picture doesn’t even occur at that moment.

I remember that evening when I sat in the field of my college… I cannot keep breaking myself to repair what others broke… when I slept in a train for 20 hours non-stop visiting my friend when college was almost over… that night when I met a stranger who spoke of love… that morning when I hugged you never wanting to let go for once… the night when I could feel your eyes on me whenever I would look the other way…

Some moments just stick… like some people, who just get under your skin and never leave… and the great thing about selective memory is that in between a moment, you can choose to just switch your mind off and drop everything to Pandora and just run…

And thats the thing about Pandora… you need to run to remember what you’re coming back for…

Its that time again...

Ok...

So I know I disappeared for a while... I basically stopped writing... was looking for newer addictions ;)

But seriously, why I stopped writing, even I don't know... I was sitting in my office cab today (yes I work now, whoever thought that would happen :P) and I realized its been a gazillion years since I wrote a post the context of which is not cryptic... my Facebook status's continue to be cryptic since everyone I know doesn't know the context of what I write and isn't supposed to either, and the few who do know continue to ping me from time to time to chat up and laugh at them messages... I started writing a book towards the end of my MBA but I realized past the first 2 chapters that it wasn't honest enough and I wasn't ready to be as honest as I need to be when writing my book... so for now the book is on hold but here's the good news, I started writing again after ages...

Hence you can look forward to (or not) reading up on all the bullshit that goes on in my head… it’s a dangerous place, my head… I should know, I live there!

Until later,

Keep those addictions going, whatever and whoever they are ;)

D Quintessential Wasp

Figuring it out...

"From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached."
Franz Kafka

You just want me to say what you want me to say...

Hey

Greetings... Once again, mumblings in my mind refusing to take any concrete shape have brought me to an empty screen... So, lemme try and paint you a picture...

Tom Spanbauer stressed that life is too precious to spend it writing tame, conventional stories to which you have no personal attachment... I completely agree Mr. Spanbauer... Do google him to find out more...

Life is too precious... We have infinite moments and maybe even feelings but we have finite times to make those memories which we carry for a lifetime... Why must we spend time in writing a story that is safe which means nothing to us and brings out no strange and unknown feelings instead of taking the risk of being maybe even politically incorrect and unsure and have something that immerses the reader in the word for maybe those few hours or minutes... It is the leap of faith...

The one thing I know of and believe in more than anything else is words... Words can change the world... Or atleast raise enough eyebrows to have people change the world... One of those rare moments where I draw from spiritual knowledge, but duty is above anything else... It is my duty to be a writer...

So I shall choose to not say what I know you want to hear... I would continue to try and surprise you and maybe even shock you... As a writer/poet... this is my leap of faith... That raised eyebrow and a small thought in your head is my leap of faith... Don't stop asking questions... Its the only thing worth asking...

Take a risk and have the guts to be different and not let the world convince you that you are alone... We all have our different facets... Be honest enough to indulge in them... Take the leap...

Until later...

Cheers,

D Quintessential Wasp